09072010 - The Hijab experience

So it came. The time when I finally put on my headscarf.

It was about two months ago. And thanks to God’s mercy, I feel at ease and love my headscarf.

The decision wasn’t reached easily. No it was not. I remembered hesitating for such a long time. I had little courage and was in constant fear of things might not matter so much.

I pray, now, that God permits me to remember how it felt the night I decided to give it all up, my pride and my fear, to put on that piece of cloth. The piece of scarf might be as light as a feather, but for such a long time, it was heavier than a mountain.

I remember feeling an enormous amount of pain deep inside. Some people I love dearly were going through a rough time. Hurt, pain, pointing fingers, anger, betrayal. Witnessing all that emotions was a little too much for that heart of mine. I felt vast amount of loneliness, frustration and weakness. Weakness, poverty, impotent, and helpless.

I felt the need to be protected, not from this transient world, but from the most Powerful and the most Merciful one.

I cried.

I understood something that night. The hijab is more than just a cover of beauty. It is more than just “being a Muslim girl” or rules we must follow. It is the form of protection, a way for me to get a step closer to my Creator.

With the hijab on, I feel protected. I feel more connected to the world of belief, and perhaps more at peace with myself.

A step forward, inshallah, on my journey back to my Creator.

06042010.On Hijab.

To this date, I still hesitate to put on the hijab. Just a piece of scarf, but the weight of wearing it seems too heavy for me.

For a while now, I have tried to put the hijab on when I am alone at home. Looking at myself in the mirror, I see a strange face. A different person, a stranger.

If the girl with the hijab is such a stranger to myself, I wonder how others will see me? Will they be surprised? Will they be shocked?

My husband always said that the decision would be mine, and he would not push me to do anything. He, however, does remind me from times to times how important it is to follow God’s command.

I always say “God willing”. Sometimes I even accuse him of not understanding the weight of wearing hijab for a modern Muslim convert.

But I know it is just me. The voices in my head. The decision I have to make.